What Jack is No Longer Allowed To Do At Torchwood
by Daimia De Luke
Summary: The Skippy List: Torchwood Style. Ianto has compiled a list, complete with references, of things Jack is no longer allowed to do. Rating for innuendo, possible M chapters in the future.
1. Jack is not allowed to watch Primeval

Disclaimer: Torchwood and Primeval belong to the BBC. The Skippy List isn't mine either, but you know what? I have bananas. And bananas are good!

This is an adaptation of the Skippy list to suit my needs. Most points on the list will have their own chapter unless I want to mash them together.

**What Jack is No Longer Allowed To Do At Torchwood**

**Chapter One:**

**Jack is not allowed to watch Primeval when he is supposed to be working.**

**Ianto's Note: _Jack is not allowed to watch Primeval when he is supposed to be working._**

Gwen Copper thinks Jack Harkness has forgotten what it is like to be human. This is absolutely false. As far as Ianto is concerned, Jack has far too many human quirks leftover from his endless lifetimes.

He faces them each morning as he wakes, staring down at the snoring lump that is the 'man-who-doesn't-sleep', when a salad bowl is used for Jack's favorite sugar coated cereal, or when his immortal lover rushes from the room to fart.

These light offenses are put to rest when Jack spoons Ianto in his sleep, pulling them closer, digging his toes against Ianto's body heat; when Jack sneaks a kiss during work, and when chocolate kisses appear beside the coffee machine.

Perhaps the most shining example of Jack's humanity is his ability to sit on his ass and watch television.

Jack's favorite past time during his unofficial coupling with Ianto is movie night. He would arrive at his young lover's apartment bearing take-out and soda, they would curl together on Ianto's light suede couch and kiss their way through countless action and romance movies. Action because both men found the rush of adrenaline heart stopping, making their sex life skyrocket for hours. Romance because neither man had yet been prepared to say out loud what they did with their bodies.

This was their routine, until Owen had cable installed at the Hub.

It was a few days after the zombie medic had finished playing all the games Tosh had kindly installed on the mainframe. The morning after he had asked Ianto to keep Jack distracted as he snuck in the electrician. With a few little boxes the Hub was then wired to receive thousands of channels.

When the two men returned from the archives in a ruffled demeanor, Jack was adamant. He retconned the electrician back to infancy and would have torn the conference room monitor from the wall...had Owen not turned it on. As the screen flicked to life Jack was distracted by a single word, 'raptor'. For the next seven hours, and despite Ianto's protests and propositions, Jack now refused to move. He sat transfixed at the screen for the rest of the day and most of the night.

Ianto thought it would be good for Jack to have hobbies, but he couldn't stand the man with an obsession.

Soon, Jack bought the box set; impressively the only DVDs the immortal actually owned. The show, Primeval, had instantly become the new movie night pick. For nearly three months Ianto had sat patiently through date night watching a team, much like Torchwood's own, fight dinosaurs instead of aliens. It was enjoyable, up to a point in the fourth season where a character called Matt fought off Raptor Jesus in bad cgi. This was alright, if a bit stifling for their sex lives.

Then Jack started watching it during work.

Ianto had been waiting in the archives. The younger man had gone two weeks without sex because of Jack's obsession before blurting out that one of two things needed to happen: his boyfriend would come find him in the archives and beg forgiveness with a blowjob; Or Jack could spend the night with Primeval while Ianto went with Owen on the pull. This, of course, was a complete lie but judging by Jack's expression, had done it's purpose.

So now he waited. And waited. Another half hour went by and he still waited. As his wristwatch beeped five o'clock he sighed and headed upstairs. Shock overcame him as he reached the main hub.

Rose petals were scattered, leading into the conference room. The lights were out and hundreds of candles flicked around him. Their usual table had been replaced with a smaller one situated with two chairs. A candelabra was perched in the middle surrounded by steaming food.

Strong arms pulled Ianto in and he melted into the embrace.

"What do you think?" Jack asked.

"It's perfect."

"You still mad at me?" Jack nuzzled his neck.

Ianto laughed. "No, cariad. I was never mad."

"Then why did you say you were leaving me?"

Ianto turned in his arms and cupped his face. "I will never leave you, cariad. I promised. I was just upset that you weren't paying any attention to me."

Jack's eyes were blurry. "So you aren't leaving?"

Ianto placed a soft kiss on his lips. "Never, cariad. Dw i'n dy garu di, cariad."

Jack smiled and pulled his young lover in for another kiss. "I love you too, sweetheart."

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Yay! So, these won't be very long chapters. I just wanted to write a cute, drabble piece for between chapters of my main story. Please tell me what you think!


	2. His name is Captain Jack Harness  M

Disclaimer: Torchwood belongs to the BBC. The Skippy List isn't mine either, but you know what? I have bananas. And bananas are good!

This is an adaptation of the Skippy list to suit my needs. Most points on the list will have their own chapter unless I want to mash them together.

**What Jack is No Longer Allowed To Do At Torchwood**

**Chapter 2**

**Jack's proper title is "Captain Jack Harkness". Not "Immortal God of Sex."**

**Ianto Note: _Jack's proper title is "Captain Jack Harkness". Not "Immortal God of Sex."_**

It had started normally enough. The pair had been recovering after a particularly great round of naked hide and seek. They lay spooned with Jack pressed against his back, sucking and nipping his neck. Not ready for round two his younger lover groaned, content to be cuddled warm and naked on the floor of the med bay.

"You cheated again," Ianto muttered sleepily.

""I don't cheat. You just suck at playing."

He turned in his lover's arms. "You like when I suck," he smiled.

Jack growled and rolled on top of him, his tongue pressing into the sensitive patch behind Ianto's ear. His lips were trailing down his the archivist's torso when the phone rang.

"Jack, just leave it!" He grunted. Ianto tugged on Jack's hair.

He picked up with the third ring.

"Immortal God of Sex with a very gorgeous Welshman between his legs. Do you need to set an appointment?"

"_Bloody hell, Harkness..."_

"Owen!"

"Owen?"

Ianto scrambled out from underneath Jack and crawled to his pants nearby. His underwear was no where to be seen, but he's learned to expect as much.

"How'd the alien in the park go?"

"_It was a kid's birthday party. I called to let you know that while you've been shagging the tea boy we actually got some work done."_

"Now don't call it shagging, Owen. Ianto doesn't like it. It reminds him of sheep."

"_Because he's bloody Welsh!" _A pause came at his end of the line. _"We're heading back. Be clothed."_

Jack hung up the phone with a smile and went to go find his lover.

…

The joke continued for the rest of the day.

"Ianto, the Immortal God of Sex needs you in his office."

"Immortal God of Sex wants to know what's for lunch."

"The blasted Immortal God of Sex is driving me up the fucking wall! You're his boy toy! Take care of it!"

On, and on, and on, and on. Ianto finally snapped when he delivered tea to Gwen.

"We all know he's immortal. But what exactly does he to become the god of sex?"

Slamming down his tray he trudged up to Jack's office. Banging the door open he smashed his hands against Jack's desk. He looked up.

"What's the matter, Yan?"

"Hands on the desk. Standing. Feet spread. Don't move."

Seeing the anger in his boyfriends eyes he obeyed. As he rose Ianto shut the blinds and he knew he was in trouble. He never expected a firm smack on his arse.

"What is your name?" Ianto's voice was low and gruff, hand hovering over the older man.

Jack smirked. "Haven't you heard? I'm-"

_SMACK!_

"What." _SMACK! "_ Is." _SMACK! _ "Your." _SMACK! _ "Name?" _SMACK!_

"Ianto!"

"I have no need to masturbate. " _SMACK!_

Jack loved when his lover took control. The only problem was, he was having difficulty remembering his name.

_SMACK! "_Well?"

"Jack! My name's Jack!"

_SMACK! "_Jack what?"

Another slap and his knees went weak. His cock was hard in his trousers and Ianto's tone was doing nothing but making it worse.

"Jack Harkness. Captain Jack Harkness!" He finally screamed.

Pleased, Ianto flipped him around and attacked his mouth, forcing his tongue between his lips. Jack let out a satisfied moan and hopped onto the desk, pulling Ianto over him.

"What's your name?" He asked, peppering kisses across the immortal's jaw.

Jack smiled. "Whatever you want it to be."

* * *

**I want to thank everyone that read and reviewed this! I had no idea it would catch on so fast! And to everyone, I think I will be posting smut separately. That way you can read it if you want but it won't take away from the story. Remember to read and review and I'll see you next time! **


	3. Jack is not allowed to threaten anyone

Disclaimer: Torchwood belongs to the BBC. The Skippy List isn't mine either, but you know what? I have bananas. And bananas are good!

This is an adaptation of the Skippy list to suit my needs. Most points on the list will have their own chapter unless I want to mash them together.

**What Jack is No Longer Allowed To Do At Torchwood**

**Chapter Three**

**Jack is not allowed to threaten anyone with black magic. Nor is he allowed to challenge anyone's belief in black magic by asking for hair. **

* * *

**Ianto Note: _Jack is not allowed to threaten anyone with black magic. Nor is he allowed to challenge anyone's belief in black magic by asking for hair. _**

Saturday nights were pub night. Torchwood tradition that was not to be tampered with unless the world was ending.

Jack loved pub night because it was his chance to be seen in public with Ianto as a couple, instead of boss and employee. They would part ways after work and Jack would come pick him up, often times with small gifts; a rose, truffles, or (in Jack's opinion a perfectly practical present) a strip of condoms. Together they would meet the rest of the team plus Rhys and focus on anything besides work.

That night was no different. Jack had shown up with the tactful gift of a new coffee mug, dark red in color. Ever the gentleman, he complimented his boyfriend's attire and held out his arm to lead him out. They arrived hand in hand and slightly ruffled to the team's favorite bar. Tosh sat crammed between Owen and Rhys in the middle with Gwen on her husbands other side. Much to her dismay Jack chose to sit beside Owen. He pulled a laughing Ianto into his lap and wrapped his arms around the younger man. Ianto then slid beside his lover, sharing a knowing smile with Tosh.

Looking around, the small pub was dim with a diverse crowd. Younger people waiting for clubs to open, business men, and mixed groups filled the compact space; adding an air of claustrophobia to the atmosphere.

"Who gets the first round?" Owen asked.

"It's Gwen's turn, innit? Tosh got last round last week," Ianto stated.

Gwen smacked her husbands arm. "You wouldn't make a lady get the drinks now, would you?" It was a threat hidden in a smile.

Ianto gave Jack's hand a warning squeeze against speaking.

"Tosh's a lady. 'N she got it last time," Rhys countered. "Besides, you're an alien hunter. Are you honestly afraid of a few drunken dipshits?"

Owen snorted and hid his face in the blushing Japanese woman's hair.

Gwen sighed. "Anyone care to come with me?"

She looked straight at Jack, who was too busy trying to silently unzip Ianto's trousers. Without an answer she stood. "Fine. A pitcher then?"

"And some of those fried green beans, please," Tosh said.

"Fried green beans?" Owen asked.

"Yes," Tosh answered. "Ianto and I had them for lunch a few days ago. They were delicious! Right, Ianto?"

The poor Welshman could only nod as he pried Jack's skilled hand away from his boxers. After subtly correcting his zip he entwined their hands above the table so Jack couldn't cause any more mischief. "Right," he said. Then, turning to Jack he chided. "Behave yourself."

The rest of the small group laughed, clearly having known why Jack's hands had been placed within eyesight. None commented.

Gwen arrived back at the booth, balancing a pitcher in one hand and holding glasses under her arms.

"You know they'll usually deliver the glasses?" Owen asked.

She huffed as Rhys dislodged the breakables from her grip. "That prat of a bartender told me that since I thought I was so special, I could do it myself! Bloody wanker..."

"I've had that before. Really uncomfortable to pee," Jack started.

"What happen's when you don't behave, Jack?" Ianto scolded.

Tosh yelped as Jack climbed into Ianto's lap and placed a wet kiss on his cheek. "I'll be good."

"Fucking hell...you've got him whipped solid, Jones."

Ianto only tipped his empty glass.

…

For the rest of the team, it was lucky that Gwen was an incredibly light-weight drinker. Half a glass in and she had already forgotten that she had already gotten her round. They had managed to make her pay for three more rounds before Rhys ended her plight. Throwing his hands in the air Ianto relented, swaying up to the bar. A pretty barmaid had just taken his pitcher when he felt someone beside him.

When he turned he was met by a pair of dark brown eyes, nearly hidden beneath dirty blonde fringe. He was looking up at Ianto, his eyes only reaching chin-level. The way the other man was looking at him made Ianto wish Jack had accompanied him.

"Can I help you?"

"I'm sure you could." The accent was impossibly rich Irish. "Howie Nashman. And you are?"

The barmaid was taking too long. "Ianto Jones."

Howie moaned. "Mmm- got to love a Welsh accent."

"You must be enjoying Wales then. It's everywhere."

He laughed, and all Ianto could think about was how dirty he sounded. Like he was coughing up dust. "Witty."

"Uncencored," he corrected.

"Say," he moved closer, gagging Ianto with the smell of cheap cologne soaked into his casual office sort of clothing. He had never noticed how much he took Jack's scent for granted. "You wanna get outta here? My hotel isn't far; bet your place is even closer..."

Ianto slid further away. "I have a boyfriend."

The blonde laughed. "I'm sure boyfriend won't mind."

"Oh yes boyfriend fucking will!"

A very angry and somewhat off-kilter Jack was charging towards them. Effectively, he nudged his way between the newcomer and his lover, standing as high as he could.

"Back the fuck off," Jack seethed.

The Irishman scoffed. "Or you'll what, old man?"

"I'll put a curse on you."

Ianto made a mental note not to let Jack speak while drunk.

Huge, gaffing laughter burst out of the smaller man. "Who the fuck do you think you are? Harry Potter!"

Before Howie could fend him off Jack had ripped a chunk of hair from his head. "This is a good start."

_Warning _Ianto thought _Irish boys can _jump

Without warning the tiny man had jumped onto the bar and punched Jack in the nose. As he fell back Howie attempted to clamor on top of him. He was stopped when Ianto lifted him in the air and threw him over the bar. Helping his boyfriend to his feet the two ran back to their table.

"We're leaving," Ianto yelled. "Get your shit and let's go."

"I love when you use bad words..."

"Save it, Jack."

Each member of the team dropped a few pounds on the table and rushed out the door; Jack mentally noted that Owen and Tosh were holding hands.

…

At Ianto's flat, Jack stared at the bedding while his lover showered. He felt ridiculous and was wondering whether or not he should just leave when Ianto opened the bathroom door.

"Jack?"

"Yes, Ianto?" He couldn't force himself to look into Ianto's eyes.

"That was very stupid."

"I know Ianto."

"Will you do it again?"

Jack twitched his mouth in thought. "Probably."

Ianto leaned against the door.

"And why is that, Jack?"

Jack smiled, catching onto the game. "Because you're mine, Ianto."

When he looked up the Welshman was smiling. The towel that had been held around his waist was dropped. "Come on then, you silly fool. Let's get washed up."

Ecstatic, Jack quickly stripped himself on his way to the bathroom. Before he could stop himself, he had to.

"Shower sounds amazing. Mind if I Slytherin?"

Even if it had gotten him the couch for the night and a cold shower alone, he would beat Owen on worst pick-up lines ever.

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**As always a big thanks to everyone who has been reading/reviewing/and adding this story to their faves/alerts. It makes my day to see my inbox exploding with stuff! To those who have been keeping up with my other story, I promise to have an update soon! **


	4. Jack is not allowed to get silicone

Disclaimer: Torchwood belongs to the BBC. The Skippy List isn't mine either, but you know what? I have bananas. And bananas are good!

This is an adaptation of the Skippy list to suit my needs. Most points on the list will have their own chapter unless I want to mash them together.

**What Jack is No Longer Allowed To Do At Torchwood**

**Chapter Four**

**

* * *

**

**Ianto Note: _Jack is not allowed to get silicone breast implants_**

For the first time, it was all Tosh's fault. After the black magic fiasco, as Ianto had christened it, the team had been in an almost desperate frenzy to find a new Saturday night pub. Without any luck, the alien catchers decided to just try a new bar each week of a team member's choosing. This, of course, was under the guideline that neither Jack, nor Owen was not allotted a turn. Reluctantly they agreed, and the search began.

The first to pick was Ianto. He chose a point in a tourist's brochure blind. This had been a mistake. While Jack had been thrilled, the rest of the team had been mortified to see the demure Welshman had accidentally picked an S&M fetish club. The youngest member of the team had run away horrified. Through bubbles of laughter later, Jack explained that Ianto's fear came more from the high-heeled dominatrixes than the club itself.

The next pick was given to Rhys, who had boasted about a small pub his mates were frequenting. Having been promised it wasn't a gentleman's club, the team departed. The Harwood's truckers were there when they arrived. The pub was clean, decently lit, and full of the mild-mannered nine-to-five types Jack loathed, but all-in-all had been a suitable pick. That was until one of the truckers got a bit to handsy with Tosh. The Japanese woman shocked the Harwood's workers by shoving a straw up the man's nose, emptying the contents of his drink over his head, and stabbing the offensive hand with a fork. As the man let out several agonized wails, Owen was beating the front of his pants, shouting "why don't you work?"

Hesitantly, the team allowed Gwen the next choice. She had chosen a small tea house across the bay. While the team thought it was a bit ridiculous to be having a tea party, the food was good and the wine was excellent. For now, it would do. However, once the manager saw Ianto feed Jack a fruit tart, the story changed. The aging woman had become possessed, ranting about homosexuals and their deviations from Christ. Before Jack had the chance to do anything stupid, Ianto gripped his boyfriend by the arm and pulled him outside. There, he treated his lover in the car, clearing Jack's mind of "narrow-minded 21st century monkeys."

All hope fell to Tosh. When prompted, she simply said it was a nice pub with live music that Jack would approve of. Her explanation struck fear into the team's hearts. That week she led the group to a small club outside the bay area known as The Queen's Crown. Two large doormen greeted her fondly and wished her party a nice time. Ruby curtains hung along the walls, tinted gold by various candles on all forty or so tables. A stage set the layout in front, accompanied by a long, curving bar that led from the platform to the front windows.

All but Jack and Ianto took a booth immediately. The two men had opted for a quick dance to Glenn Miller as the song changed. Surprisingly, several people had walked up to them, asking how long they had been together, or commenting on what a handsome couple they made. When they arrived at the booth Jack gave Tosh a small kiss on the cheek.

"You did alright,Tosh," Gwen stated. "This is really nice."

"Inexpensive, too," Owen chimed in.

"How'd you find this place?" Jack asked.

"Mary brought me here."

The rest of the group stopped and nodded. Avoiding the "Mary" subject at all costs.

Owen bought the first round and a basket of chips. This was when Ianto began to notice something was up. A large, muscular woman winked at him from the bar; another two in glamorous sequin gowns waved as they took a door behind the stage. The sickly feeling intensified as one took the stage, announcing in a deep voice that Caroline Fair would be preforming a new piece in ten minutes.

"Tosh?"

"Yes, Ianto?"

"That wasn't a real woman," he deadpanned.

The rest of the team turned to see the emcee saunter down from the stage and over to the bar.

"Real enough," she waved off. "Tonight, anyway."

Rhys carefully put down his pint, muttering about remaining able to tell the difference.

Jack, on the other hand, thought this was splendid.

Without further ado, the woman known as Caroline Fair approached the microphone. She sang a throaty rendition of Cole Porter's 'Let's Do It'. Her hair was in a smooth updo, glittering jewelery encompassing her neck, and a beautiful silver gown stopped just short of her matching heels. As she finished, Jack stood, clapping wildly; whistling. One patron handed her a rose and kissed her cheek. After her set she made her way to the team's table.

"Hello Tosh, dear."

Tosh stood to kiss and be kissed by the woman on both cheeks.

"You've never come with company," she pointed out.

Tosh smiled. "These are my friends. We needed a new place to go for Saturday nights, so I brought them."

Each person in the small group gave her a little wave, sans Jack. He was too busy staring at her chest.

"See something you like, handsome?" She laughed.

"Are those fun?"

She was shocked. "I'm sorry?"

"Having boobs. Is it fun? I think it would be." He made a motion over his own flat chest and turned to Ianto. "What do you think, Yan? Think I'd make a good woman?"

And the pint was downed without a response.

"Caroline! You're needed backstage!" A voice called.

"Be there!" she replied. "Honey, I gotta go. The world of glitter is ending!" She walked away, shooting curious looks at Jack.

When she was out of eyesight, Ianto back-handed his boyfriend's arm. "What the hell was that?" he asked.

"What?" he asked innocently.

"Were you going to fondle her too? Jack, you were being rude!"

"It's not rude! It's healthy curiosity! Besides, it's not like you wouldn't love to see me in drag."

Ianto scoffed. "I assure you, I have never been attracted to drag queens."

Jack raised his eyebrow and took a drink. Three hours later he snuck backstage.

…

The next week, they had decided to return to the Queen's Crown, however this time Jack had not arrived with Ianto. When they were seated in the same booth as last week, Owen piped up.

"Oi, tea-boy. Where's Captain Innuendo?"

Shrugging, Ianto sighed. "Rift alert before we left. He'll be by soon."

The team nodded and looked to the stage. Caroline was singing as the other queens circulated the room.

As the applause died down, Caroline spoke. "I want all of you to give a warm, Queen's Crown welcome to Miss Glenn Harkness."

Ianto sprayed his beer across the table. "Did she just say Harkness?"

Mix reactions floated around the table as a red-haired beauty in a turquoise gown approached the mic. Jack smiled and waved at the little group, flash one long, smooth leg past the slit up the side. Killer heels made the already six-foot man tower over the crowd. He winked and blew a kiss to Ianto before belting out the beginning of 'Your Song', by Sir Elton John. The audience was captivated as he soothed over the words. As the song went on he gracefully descended, working the audience with mic in hand. He joined his group last, finishing the song by pulling Ianto to him and into a passionate kiss. Ianto wrapped his arms around Jack's waist; the crowd cheering wildly as he dipped him, sending a heel flying into Gwen's face. Jack placed a few more soft brushes against Ianto's lips before nibbling slightly.

"So, attracted to drag queens now?"

**

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**I hope everyone enjoyed this chapter as much as I did writing it. I adore Tosh, and if you aren't blind you saw a little Gwen bashing, one of my favorite things! Not sure how to go about the next chapter so be patient! Love to all the reviewers and readers! **

**~Dai**

**P.S. John Barrowman does sing this song on his album 'Another Side', for those who don't know. I highly recommend listening to it, seeing as it was the inspiration for this plot!**


	5. Jack is not allowed to play James Bond

Disclaimer: Torchwood and Primeval belong to the BBC. The Skippy List isn't mine either, but you know what? I have bananas. And bananas are good!

This is an adaptation of the Skippy list to suit my needs. Most points on the list will have their own chapter unless I want to mash them together.

What Jack is No Longer Allowed To Do At Torchwood

Chapter Six

…

_Ianto Note: Jack is not allowed to play "James Bond" with a suction-cup dart pistol and any officer other than in the privacy of our own home._

…

Naked hide and seek. This was only one of many games Jack had invented in the throws of complete boredom. Ianto didn't generally complain about his boyfriends plans. On the contrary, he was usually very encouraging when the games were kept between the two. Their little secret. Something that they ddin't have to share with the rest of the team. Life outside of Torchwood.

So when Jack began to play their secret games with other members of the team, Ianto lost it.

It had started during the Jonah Bevin fiasco. Inviting Gwen to naked hide and seek. Though he had shrugged it off in front of the Welshwoman, he had given Jack hell in private. The captain's now irrational fear of police officers and their batons never failed to give Owen a laugh.

This however, was unforgivable.

It wasn't a dangerous day. No, miraculously the sun was out and shining, birds sang, and Tosh and Ianto had taken advantage of the day with lunch on the Plass. They were having a quiet laugh about past alien encounters when Ianto suddenly couldn't move. He couldn't breathe. All the blood had rushed south. Jack Harkness was striding towards them in a tightly fitted suit.

All eyes were on the dashing American as he drew closer; a man on a mission. Ianto knew he wasn't dreaming. If he had been, the Plass would have been empty and he would have been naked. But the proof was coming closer in broad daylight.

"Mr. Jones," he spoke once he made it to their table. His voice was low, and made Ianto do a double take. Scottish. Jack was speaking in a bloody Scottish accent.

"Jack, what are-"

Jack grabbed his hand and pulled the stunned Welshman to his feet. "I'm afraid you'll have to come with me."

Tosh rose from her seat timidly. "Jack? Are you all right?"

Without a word, Jack drew a neon-green gun with a safety tip from his jacket and fired at her forehead. Ianto didn't know whether to be amused or annoyed. Perfectly centered on Tosh's temple was a suction dart. But he had no time for questions as Jack was sprinting away like a mad man, dragging Ianto along with him.

The two men ran down to the pier then under the docks. Before Ianto could demand explanation, Jack had him pinned to a wooden beam. Hands groped his buttocks as Jack's tongue invaded him mouth, mapping the familiar territory. But as was the day's theme, Jack pulled away before Ianto could do anything.

"What the hell are you doing?" he panted.

There was no reply. Just Jack sinking to his knees. Undoing Ianto's belt buckle.

"Christ cariad, if you don't tell me what the fuck is wrong with you I swear to god I will put you on decaf for a year!"

All movement stopped dead. With a sigh of relief Ianto redid his buckle and pulled Jack to his feet.

"Now tell me, what is possible going through your head right now?"

Eat-shit grin. Beautiful, soft lips stretching over perfect white teeth. "Be my Bond-boy, Mr. Jones?"

Ianto smiled, undoing Jack's tie. "Only if you're my Bond-boy tonight, Mr. Harkness."

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It's a wild update! Catch it before it disappears!

Wow, how long has it been for this chapter (and one that is far too short)? My apologies. I have a lot going on right now but I'm working on updating more!


	6. Jack is not allowed to create prophecies

Disclaimer: Torchwood and Primeval belong to the BBC. The Skippy List isn't mine either, but you know what? I have bananas. And bananas are good!

This is an adaptation of the Skippy list to suit my needs. Most points on the list will have their own chapter unless I want to mash them together.

What Jack is No Longer Allowed To Do At Torchwood

Chapter Six ← The real chapter six

…

_Ianto Note: Jack may not add "In accordance with the prophesy" to the end of any answer. _

…

For those who knew the sensitive inner-workings of Torchwood, they also knew that Jack Harkness was an immortal from the 51st century. Even if said person did not know what planet , or exact date, the former information had never really been classified. This gave Jack an edge against disaster. Being from the future, he knew many past events through his experience with the Time Agency and travels with the Doctor. Inevitably, said knowledge came in handy often.

However, Jack liked to abuse this knowledge. Ever so often, fashion conscious Gwen would buy a bad trend. Tech savvy Tosh would accidentally transform one object into another. Ianto would label an artifact incorrectly. All because Jack would play his knowledge against them.

None of them, however, would forget the night Jack turned Rhys into a paranoid fool.

Typical Saturday. The Queen's Crown. And no, Ianto did not like sharing Jack in drag. That little game was strictly reserved for home after the purchase of frilly knickers. The team sat in their usual booth, a pitcher for all around. In the cusp of a terrific song the pairs would take the floor, dancing away thoughts of weevils. A tipsy Ianto swayed against a tipsier Jack, both giggling at the sight of Tosh nervously trotting on Owen's toes. Not that the dead medic could feel it anyway.

At the end of the song they retreated back to the booth. They all sat in their usual layout, only with Ianto in Jack's lap. Tosh smiled at the outward affection the normally subdued men. Her skin tingled as Owen caught her eyes and took her hand in his. The chill of his hand on hers was a welcome addition to the peaceful night.

Then Jack had to fuck it up.

"Mam's like a ticking time bomb! Just waitin' to explode!" Rhys exclaimed. "But when we get children, you'll be the same. Honest to god bomb."

"In accordance with the prophesy," Jack finished.

While their friends laughed, Ianto only sent a confused look to his boyfriend. "What prophesy?"

"Nothin, baby."

The laughter halted.

"Jack, is there something we should know?" Tosh asked, nervous eyes shifting between him and Gwen.

"Nah," he brushed it off. "Future stuff. Timelines. Etcetera."

"So I blow up?"

"I never said that."

"You said something about a prophesy, cariad," Ianto asked confused.

"Future stuff. Don't worry about it."

"How can we not worry?" Rhys clutched his wife.

"It's perfectly normal!" Jack countered.

"Not on this planet, mate!" In a panic, the terrified Welshman pushed his wife out of the booth and out the doors, peering around each corner. Watching stunned, Tosh broke the silence with a happy squeak. Before anyone could ask what was wrong, Tosh had dragged Owen outside, waving as she left.

"Well that was weird." Ianto commented.

"Yup," Jack agreed. "I mean, what's so bad about exploding? My goal is to make you explode at least once a night," he smirked.

His lips formed a perfect 'o'. "That was cruel, cariad."

The immortal chuckled and leaned in for a kiss. "I heard Gwen complaining about her sex life the other day. She's jealous. You, know? So, when tired of suffering from migraines because one woman won't stop whining, light a fire under her husband's ass."

Returning the kiss, Ianto chuckled. "How very long-winded."

"And you love me for it."

…

Unfortunately, that was not the last time Jack decided to be a prat. Their captain seemed to find it endlessly entertaining to add snippets of information about the future, or hiding said information with "well I can't tell you that!" It was all very annoying.

And then, it became plain ridiculous.

For the team of alien hunters, it was an average day. Owen was up to his elbows in otherworldly sludge, Tosh was simultaneously playing computer games and hacking the UNIT databases, Gwen was on her mobile with Rhys while filling out her latest report, and Ianto was trying to finish archiving the newest batch of alien tech...TRYING. On these slow days, when no aliens had decided to slip through the rift, and it was raining too heavily to even go outside, the 51st century man was forced to create him own entertainment.

Big mistake.

Surprisingly enough, Jack had already finished his own work, and was currently iron his beloved coat, knowing that Ianto loved when the thick folds were crisp.

"Jack? I was wondering if you knew what this was?"

Speaking of his angel. Ianto was at his door, holding a clumsy thing, colored like dark blue marble and about a meter long with the thickness of a wine bottle. This could be fun.

"Techniagile destroyer. They are manufactured for black market only. Nordax 7 classifies them as highly dangerous, capable of turning even full grown mess into sobbing messes. Well, in accordance with the prophesy."

Ianto's eyes shot from Jack to the thing in his hand, before pitching it to the floor. He pulled a small set of tongs from his pocket, kept for dangerous materials, and picked the object up once more.

"What prophecy?" The slight warble in the Welshman's voice was not lost on him.

"Don't worry about it-shouldn't've said anything anyway." Jack turned to hide his smirk as his lover took to the steps, keeping the alien item at arms length.

"Well, it doesn't look like much to me," Gwen said.

At Tosh's insistence, Ianto had cautiously laid the device on the conference table for the others to investigate. So far, Gwen had theory of it being some sort of police baton, while Tosh figured it must have been more like a piece of ship weaponry. The prophecy part was what frightened them. At any moment, it could go haywire, perhaps killing them all.

"Alright, alright! What the hell have you lot been nutters about today?"

"Techniagile destroyer," Gwen states with a hint of awe. "According to Jack there's some sort of prophecy about it."

With dubious eyes, Owen took it in. From one end to the other he ran his hand down the cold object. His face crinkled when he felt it heat and begin to hum. "Bloody hell, you're a sick man Harkness."

"Owen? What is it? Are you alright?" Tosh rushed to his side in concern.

There was a burst of laughter at the doorway. The team turned to see their leader huddled over in mirth, shrieking when Owen threw the product at him. Still cackling, Jack picked it up and approached Ianto. Placing the Welshman's hand on the object, realization cast an aghast shadow over his features.

"What's going on then? Is it dangerous, Jack?"

"No Gwen," Ianto interjected, slapping his lover harshly on the shoulder. "It's a bloody sex toy."

* * *

**So...long time no see? Hope you like Jack's latest adventure. The next chapter is halfway done!**


	7. Jack is not allowed to post war criminal

Disclaimer: Torchwood and Primeval belong to the BBC. The Skippy List isn't mine either, but you know what? I have bananas. And bananas are good!

This is an adaptation of the Skippy list to suit my needs. Most points on the list will have their own chapter unless I want to mash them together.

What Jack is No Longer Allowed To Do At Torchwood

Chapter Seven

…

_Ianto Note: Jack is not allowed to post images of UNIT officers/officials to criminal war posters._

…

Contrary to popular belief, Jack actually liked PC Andy. Just because Jack didn't like the system, or some of the ass-holes responsible for the running of said system, didn't mean all of them were pests. He viewed the impressionable constable as a stray puppy. One that flourished under guidance, and praise.

Which meant without saying that he did not tolerate when people kicked his puppy. Quite literally, _kicked, _his puppy.

It happened the day UNIT tried to get involved. The police had quarantined the area. Eyewitness accounts claimed something had fallen from the sky in "a burst of fiery hell", to quote Andy as Torchwood arrived on the scene. It had been rather routine. Jack flirted, Andy, twitching, asked if he was serious, and Ianto threatened decaf. Same old, same old. Deja-vu.

But UNIT liked to stick their noses where they don't belong.

It was worrying enough that Jack didn't express excitement at the sight of the red caps. In fact, as they approached the rest of the team could only recoil. Jack's seething body language was certainly abnormal. The closer the caps became, the redder his face became. A man, boy really, stopped before them; blocking their path. Jack became livid.

"What the hell could be so important that UNIT decided it needed to get involved?"

"Orders, Captain Harkness," replied the young soldier. Usually, the captain would have noticed the dark, brown eyes and thicket of dark, straight hair. The obvious Spanish accent. But today, he wasn't buying it.

"Who's orders?"

"Captain Shuever's, sir."

Jack's hand curled, knuckles cracking. "Tell your captain that you have been relieved. Now get out."

The Spaniard scurried to a nearby platoon, head blending into the crowd of UNIT caps. Torchwood could only follow as their captain plowed ahead, parting soldiers like the Red Sea. Past the yellow police tape was a metal apparatus, large, shaped like a winged box. Andy had trotted behind, making his way to a beastly man covered in scars. The giant glanced their way, before backhanding the small constable to the ground, swiftly kicking his stomach. Fearing the worst, Torchwood ran over. Gwen held Andy steady as Owen checked vitals, the other's had their weapons trained the attacker.

"What the hell did'ya do that for?" Gwen shrieked. Andy chose then to lean towards Owen, emptying the contents of his belly.

"This is a UNIT investigation! Torchwood has no business here; as I told the police! The bastard didn't listen! "

"And you literally kicked a man while he was down," Jack sneered. "I fail to see how what he did was worse!"

"I don't know what kind of freak show they've got you running under the sewers but UNIT is a highly efficient operation. One person doesn't listen, five people get killed. I demand obedience from everyone under my current command. In this instance, Cardiff police included," the man drew in closer, hissing. "Now get out of my sight!"

"I'll be in touch," Jack eyed the man's nametag. "Captain Shuever."

…

Under Jack's orders, Tosh stole the information UNIT had gathered that night. Humming happily to herself, she compiled the data neatly, filled in blanks, and cross referenced the reported findings. Owen had praised the job, joking that UNIT had taken the legwork out of Torchwood. The three field agents were then allowed home for the evening, giving Ianto and Jack time alone.

"Alright, cariad. What did you do?"

The older man feigned shock, one hand over his heart. "You would accuse me? On what grounds?"

"On the grounds that you hate losing and are planning revenge...if you haven't already done so," Ianto glared at his lover.

Smiling, Jack sauntered over, placing a passionate kiss on his lips. "Mmmm, but you know how being naughty affects me."

Ianto rolled his eyes. "Everything affects you."

"Can't help that you're sexy."

"_Jack-"_

He pouted, twining his arms around his young lover; letting Ianto rest his head on Jack's broad shoulder. "He isn't hurt, I promise. Just a taste of his own medicine."

…

It went viral. The moment Torchwood logged on the next morning, there it was. The United Kingdom had issued an emergency warrant for presumed war criminal Captain Archibald Shuever. Offenses seemed to be endless, a hotline for reward was posted, and most shocking of all- the warrant had been mandated by the Queen.

Owen lept to the television where, sure enough, the horrible UNIT captain was handcuffed and forced into a small squad car. The car belonging to one Andy Davidson. Andy smiled at the camera, and winked.

* * *

**So it's rather short, but I thought it was funny and sweet. And yes, maybe it is a bit over the top, but t is my list. Hope everyone likes it!**

**~Dai**


	8. Not a chapter Against Censorship!

Greetings to the fine folk that moderate our site.

Myself, along with many, have been writing and posting on your fine site for years now, some of the better examples of up and coming writers out there are now suddenly finding some of the stories we've come to love at risk of being removed without the chance to even rectify our errors.

For some, that means the permanent loss of a story. While I don't have anything that I believe violates your terms of use, there are those out there that are never able to recover a story in its original form, this is something I find to be almost worthy of a legal action, as while we cannot claim ownership of a character, the stories are OURS and simply destroying them is something that is inexcusable.

It's quite easy to simply add an MA rating, additional filters or even a simple requirement for a free membership to read the stories presented here, and would cut down on hateful anonymous reviews and posts at the same time, so I have to question as to why such a thing, in all this time, simply wasn't added.

If you're worried about falsification of a registration then have an appropriate disclaimer and then there can be no dispute, you took your steps and the PARENTS didn't monitor their children, if that is even your concern. If it is more of a personal view or desire then please at least let people know and give them a chance to remove a story that you and yours find offensive, most people on the site are actually rather cordial when it comes to such requests.

While I cannot say for sure if this letter will even reach those that may be willing to listen, of if it's more akin to a wide spectrum purge in preparation for something bigger, please understand that you are going to be looseing a LARGE number of your writers, and thus your income from a lack of readers if there is not some level of action taken to help with this situation.

For those that may agree with this, please feel free to sign on and send this to the support server, maybe we can get some movement on this.

Psudocode_Samurai

Rocketman1728

dracohalo117

VFSNAKE

Agato the Venom Host

Jay Frost

SamCrow

Blood Brandy

Dusk666

Hisea Ori

The Dark Graven

BlackRevenant

Lord Orion Salazar Black

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socras01

Kumo no Makoto

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Shi Kami The Murderous Prodigy

DeathNoteMaker

Nostalgic Remedy

Paco the Taco Maker

Slayer of Destiny

MisaPummelman

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alaison

Daimia Vargas

If you could do what some other authors have done and post this petition as a temporary new chapter on some of your stories to help spreed the word? It would help a lot it's how I found out about this.

Another thing, there is a petition going around to stop this, here is the link, just remove the space, please sign it

www. change petitions/ fanfiction-net-stop-the-destruction-of-fanfiction-net#

* * *

**Personal Note: By clicking on an M rating piece, the website is assuming you are at the age of consent or at an age where you can handle mature themes and context. Sex falls under this category, and it is a shame to see so many writers become silenced because a few did not heed the warnings. I would hate to see the website that inspired and shaped my creativity be abandoned in protest; but I will do what is necessary. I will post until I am banned, but I hope that with this petition it will not come to that. **


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